Losing Everything
by poeticgrace
Summary: After losing her best friend and the man that she loves on the same night, Nadine Crowell has to find a way to pick up the pieces. Nikodine OS.


Sixteen inches of pure white powder coated the city of Port Charles, bring all signs of life to a complete standstill on an especially serene February morning. It had been two weeks since General Hospital had erupted in disaster, two weeks since everything that the small, picturesque town had ever known had been completely decimated thanks to senseless violence. With the mob element that dominated the city for so long, you would have thought that the residents of Port Charles would be used to loss and tragedy. Yet, after a trio of funerals beneath a steel grey sky on the outskirts of town, there was nothing familiar about any of this.

Few had been impacted as deeply as Nadine Crowell, the bubbly blonde nurse known around the hospital for her love of children and unique colloquialisms. In a matter of a few hours, in the heart of the crisis at GH, she had managed to lose both her best friend and the man that she had come to love. After watching helplessly as one by one her co-workers fell down around her, Nadine was finding it increasingly difficult to see the light in the midst of so much darkness. She had shed too many tears to still feel sad about it. She had screamed too many curses words to still feel angry about it. She had slept too many sleepless nights to still feel caught up in it. She was just numb to it all.

Now, days later, she sat on the floor of a half-empty apartment, carefully going through the contents of another box. She had met with Leyla's fiancée a few days ago to give him the few keepsakes that he had asked for. The rest of her things were being shipped to her family. Nadine had been put in charge of putting her best friend's estate in order, a task that she dutifully accepted. She was just going through the motions of packing up all the little things that had added up to make Leyla who she was – a patient nurse, a carousing drinker at Jake's, a girl who'd finally found the love of her life, her best friend in the entire world. As she folded a bright fuchsia silk pashmina into yet another crate, Nadine couldn't help but feel a little guilty that she hadn't been there when Leyla had drawn her last breath.

Instead, Nadine had been locked in a boardroom as Nikolas chased after the living ghost of his dead fiancée. After spending months convincing Prince Cassadine that there would be life after Emily, she had seen her entire world collapse because some random woman just happened to look like his supposed soulmate. It didn't matter that she was completely in love with him. It didn't matter that he had broken her heart into a million pieces in a split second. It didn't matter that she had never once given up on him. It didn't matter that she had been patient and understanding. It just didn't matter.

Nadine raked her fingers through her hair in frustration as she looked sidelong out the window at the hazy sky. The sun had started to peak through the clouds after not making an appearance for days. Not since she had put her best friend in the ground had the temperature dared to jump above freezing. Days had been short and lightless, dragging on as the remaining staff at the hospital tried to pretend that nothing had happened. Nadine had gotten good at pretending. She could even pretend that it didn't kill her to see Nikolas coming in for the weekly board meeting at the hospital.

A jarring vibration at her side broke her out of her reflective reverie as she retrieved her phone from her pocket. The last thing she wanted to see flash on the screen was precisely the thing that welcomed her as she stared down at the device. "Hello?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know," she sighed tiredly. "You told me."

"Nadine, I mean it. I wish you would believe me."

Just as they so often did these days, tears started to well up in her wide blue eyes. "I can't," she reminded him, trying to sound stronger than she felt. "I already told you that. You broke my heart."

"I didn't mean to…"

"It doesn't matter. You did."

She closed her phone and tossed it across the room so that it disappeared beneath a pile of sweaters. Even at the distance, she could hear the incessant vibrating phone as it buzzed around on the hardwood floor. She had been fighting temptation of seeing him again all week, and Nikolas wasn't making it easy for her. He had first apologized with a simple and polite conversation at the nurses' station on the fifth floor. When she had refused to do anything more than nod in acknowledgement, he had stepped up his pursuit with a lavish display of roses in the locker room. Since then, Nadine had been showered with incessant and flattering forms of apology that left her feeling hollow and alone. She didn't want to hear that he was sorry anymore. The only words she wanted to hear were the three words he still hadn't said to her.

Nadine had only first realized that Nikolas didn't love her the same morning the hospital had erupted into chaos. Knowing that it was Emily's birthday, she had stopped by Wyndamere with the intention of making the day into celebration rather than another rehashed grievance. Armed with his favorite desserts and the cutest ducks for Spencer, she had been bound and determined to make something good out of a day she knew to be especially hard for Nikolas. Instead, she had been greeted with an overheard conversation with his aunt about how he was still completely in love with the sainted Emily and a polite brush-off due to his "prior engagements."

However, despite what she had heard and how he had treated her, Nadine knew deep inside that Nikolas was in love with her. He just didn't want to be. He didn't want to put his heart on the line when he could so easily lose it all over again. Fear was dictating his every move and emotion, just as it had last winter when he had battled his tumor. She could deal with the fear and would have until he was able to come to terms with it himself. However, the one thing she couldn't deal with was him giving up on them before they'd ever really had their chance to begin. She wouldn't let him break her heart one minute and try to mend it back together the next.

As she taped the lid shut on her latest completed box, she reminded herself that she wasn't here to think about Nikolas. She was supposed to be focused on Leyla. The two had started at the hospital at nearly the same time and had become fast friends that bonded over Patrick's repeated flirting. They'd worked side by side at the hospital, spending those precious free minutes gossiping about the men in their lives or planning nights out with the other girls at Jake's. Leyla had become Nadine's sister in Jolene's absence, keeping all of her secrets and being her shoulder to cry on. When Nadine had been scared about falling in love with Nikolas, it was Leyla who had convinced her to take the risk. Now that she had lost him, she could have really used her best friend right about then.

She walked blurrily over to the pile of sweaters and found the phone. It was vibrating again and again, the screen indicating he had called six more times. Nadine choked on a sob as she answered it, determined to end it for once and all. "Just leave me alone. Please, Nikolas. You can't keep doing this to me. It isn't fair."

"Nadine, are you okay?"

The pure concern in his voice sent a small shiver down his spine. She hated knowing that he still cared. "It's not about you."

"Where are you?"

"I'm not your concern anymore," she answered bluntly. "You have to stop."

"I can't," he countered. "Now how can I help? What do you need?"

"I need you to stop," she repeated again before hanging up the phone. She could only usually make it through a few minutes of arguing with him before she lost control. She couldn't pretend she was numb when she heard his voice. A second later, the phone vibrated again. He had sent her a text message promising her that it wasn't over, that he would make this up to her. She deleted the message before hurling the phone across the room and against the opposing wall. The only relief she felt was when the plastic fragments shattered on the polished oak floor.

Nadine was just about to head into the bedroom to start packing up more of Leyla's clothes when she spotted something thrown across the back of an overstuffed armchair. She crossed the room slowly, her eyes focused on the white cotton lab coat. It had been a gift from Nadine to Leyla on her last birthday. The Persian nurse had always dreamt of becoming a doctor and had finally decided to apply for medical schools in the fall. No one had been prouder than Nadine at her decision. The coat had gone perfectly with the matching stethoscope and monogrammed doctor's bag.

She pressed her face into the coat and inhaled deeply. The essence of Leyla filled her nose immediately, with its warm amber and champagne undertones. Nadine had always connected memories of people to memories of smells. Her Aunt Raylene reminded her of freshly cut hay and warm apple pie. Her sister reminded her of vanilla and lavender. Bruce had always smelled of mint and gasoline. Nikolas' signature scent was clean laundry and red wine. But this coat, it was all Leyla.

Her legs gave out before her feigned emotional strength, and Nadine soon found herself sitting in front of the door to the apartment, clinging desperately to an abandoned lab coat. She lost track of everything around her as she sobbed heavily into the coat. She cried for everything that she had lost and for all the things she would never even get to have. And in the midst of those tears, she missed the sound of knocking on the door and someone letting themself in when they got no response.

In no time at all, Nikolas' arms were around her on the floor, rocking her gently as she buried her face in his sweater. He knew that once she regained her faculties that his arrival would be met with anger; however, for now, he knew that she needed him.

"I miss her so much," Nadine murmured over and over again as she fisted his shirt. "Why did this happen?'

"I wish I knew. It doesn't make sense."

"Nothing makes sense anymore."

"Bring her back. Take that day away," she pleaded. "You want to make it up to me? Bring her back."

"You know that I can't."

"I hate that day. I hate everything about it. I lost everything that day."

"I'm still here, Nadine. Just let me be here."

Nadine gathered enough strength to push him away. She turned her head to the side so that she wouldn't look into his eyes. He didn't deserve to see the emotions she knew would be apparent in her own. "You weren't there, Nikolas," she stated bluntly. "When I needed you, you weren't there. You went chasing after her. She's been gone for over a year, and you still went chasing after her."

"I should have been there."

"You keep saying that like that makes it okay. Like it's supposed to be fine now that you realize you shouldn't have been running all over the hospital after a ghost when I was fighting for my life," she shouted. The sadness had subsided, giving way to anger once again. "Dammit, Nikolas, I am in love with you. Do you know what I was thinking the whole time I was locked in there with those people? I was thinking that I was going to die without being able to tell you that. I wasn't going to get to kiss you one last time or look into your dark eyes and feel like I was at home. I was thinking that I was glad you weren't locked in there with me because at least you would be okay. All the while, you weren't thinking about me at all."

Nikolas hung his head in shame. There was no defending his actions that night. It didn't matter what he had thought he had seen. It didn't matter that Emily turned out to be Rebecca, a far cry from the woman he had lost. He should have been in there with the woman who had spent every day in the last year trying to make him see that he could love again. "I was wrong."

"It's not enough."

"It can't end like this."

"I didn't end it," she reminded him. "You did. You didn't love me, remember? I'm just making sure that the book on our relationship stays closed because I can't get hurt like that again, not by you."

"Nadine, you know that I'll always love Emily…"

She looked at him incredulously. After all this time, how could he possibly still not get it? "Yes, I am quite aware, Nikolas. You remind me of that all the time," she spat. "Do you think you're the only one who's ever lost someone? Remember Bruce? Don't you think I still grieve for him? Your love with Emily isn't the only one that's ever been. I know that you have built up this epic love story in your head, but I had someone before you, too. The thing is, I don't throw him in your face at every turn. I don't use him as an excuse to not move on. I don't hide in my grief out of fear of loving again…"

"Nadine."

"Let me finish," she interrupted him. "When I came to Port Charles, I had nothing. I had lost the man that I loved and my sister, my best friend in the entire world. And now, I'm stuck in this place, and I'm right back where I started. I lost the man that I love and my best friend in one day."

"You don't have to lose me," he implored. "Just give me another chance. I swear, I will make it right."

Nadine shook her head sadly. "I need someone who is going to love me."

"I do love you. That's why I'm here."

"You can't just say that because you don't want to lose me."

"I already lost you."

Her eyes softened as she noted the sadness in his voice. "You know that's not true."

"What does that mean?"

"I am in love with you, Nikolas," she reminded him again. "That didn't end just because you hurt me."

Crossing the room, he dared to take her into his arms again. She allowed him to enfold her into his warm embrace a little more easily this time. Kissing the top of her head gratefully, he finally relaxed when he felt her arms snake around his waist. "I'm so sorry that I wasn't there."

"It doesn't matter anymore," she murmured into his chest. "The past is over, and we can't change that day. All we have is right now. Don't make me regret this."

"I won't," he promised, pulling back so that he could look into her eyes and make her see his solemn vow. "You mean too much to us to let you go again."

"Us?"

"Spencer misses you terribly."

"And what about his father?"

"He hasn't slept in days."

"Well, I've missed Spencer, too."

"And what about his father?" Nikolas asked this time.

"My heart is empty without him."

"Mine too," he confessed. "I'm going to make this better. I'm going to help you heal. You saved my life once, and now it's my turn to save yours. We'll get through this together."

"Promise me that you're done chasing ghosts."

"I'm here," he emphasized, placing their clasped hands over her heart. "I love you, Nadine Crowell."

"Say it again."

"I love you," he pledged again, holding onto her tightly as they finally let all of they ghosts go.

_Fin. _


End file.
